feeling very off these days

i definitely don't remember feeling so emotional and confused leaving my first job two years ago

sad about having to leave behind such wonderful team mates; a pity that all the hard work and accomplishments would simultaneously be left behind; touched by all the undeserved farewell messages and gestures; worried about whether i had really made the right decision; anxious about the unknown future and what was yet to come; relieved about no longer having to stress throughout and after shifts about the constant backlog and ticking timebomb; and many other remnant emotions which i struggle to identify or put a name to

I don't ever want to forget today.

I was feeling so drained and emotional after a really bad night shift, and while i missed you and wanted to see you badly, part of me also didn't particularly feel that i was up for it. Most weekly visits are usually just an alternation between me waiting for you to wake up from your sleep, and me attempting a monologue while you gaze into nothingness. Today didn't start out promising, and i had little hope that anything could change that.

But today turned out to be so special. For the first time in a very long while, you were already seated awake at the living room. And we actually spent fifty whole minutes engaging in a conversation, with me asking questions, you answering them, and even you asking me questions in return. We talked about all sorts of stuff - about hair, teeth, nails, skin, potatoes, drives and jobs. In particular, i remember feeling lost and overwhelmed when sharing my worries about changing jobs.

But with just a single sentence, you put my mind at ease and made me feel that things could be ok, at least for a little while. Even when you forget that i'm already a working adult, even when you repeatedly ask me the same question of what I'm currently working as despite having just heard the same answer a minute ago, even when you don't entirely comprehend the nature of my work, i love how consistent you are in hoping for me to do just whatever i like. It's so endearing and it reminds me that despite everything that has changed, you are essentially the same you. The kind, loving and understanding you who just wants me to be happy. I accidentally forget this at times.

A day like today is so incredibly rare, and i know for a fact that it might never ever present itself again. But i am grateful for those precious fifty minutes, and i wish that you too felt some joy today with my company. The thought of you leaving me one day breaks my heart, and i don't think I'll ever be prepared for that day no matter how much i try preparing myself. I love you more than i am capable of expressing, and i feel for you so much that tears come to my eyes whenever i think of you or look at you. I really just want you to be happy and not in suffering.

No matter what happens, i hope that you know how loved you are and how blessed i feel to be your granddaughter.  

i wish i could be someone who found it natural to voice my unhappiness instead of always bottling it up and letting it snowball. 

when the other party has no clue and is going on with life as per normal.

or at least i wish i were someone who didn't get so easily upset by trivial stuff like people not prioritizing the things i prioritize and not making the same amount of effort i bother to make.

people are different and i am fully aware of that. 

just because something is important to me does not mean that it takes up the same amount of space in someone else's mind or heart.

but why do i still feel so bothered. why does it make me feel tired for always being the only one who cares. why does it make me feel stupid like i have nothing better to do.

hate being irrational. hate it so fking much.

i guess this is just one of those rare days where i feel so annoyed and emotional and triggered by everything and anything. 

get some sleep and get over it amanda.

wisdom tooth surgery - uncontrollable nerves | a freaking war zone in my mouth

post-wisdom tooth recovery - throbbing rawness | ticking blood bomb | midnight hunger pangs

orthodontic brackets - mouth gag | scritchy-scratchy | revival of midnight hunger pangs | what have i gotten myself into

[TBC]

suddenly feeling anxious because of work again. doubting and questioning myself over what i might have said or done wrongly, feeling even more anxious because i can't even remember what i said or did. keep telling myself that there is no point worrying about things which have already happened and that i probably did the best i could have done at every point of time, but i can't help but wondering if it was something i said or did which resulted in things coming to this stage. 

hate this feeling where i can't even get my mind to switch off even after work hours. feels like i'm spiralling back into the darkness again. maybe i really need to think about changing paths, even if just for a period of time. while i learn how to separate work from life. 

so many things happening around me recently that it's been such an emotional rollercoaster ride

and just today a mistake on my part at work caused such a huge impact to the entire team and to the child affected. made me realize that as much as i'm doing indirect work, whatever i do still has an impact on the safety and lives of vulnerable individuals out there, so i really cannot let my guard down even for one second. feeling so fking guilty and useless but there's nothing i can do except to suck it up and just learn from my mistake

no use feeling upset amanda stay positive stay positive stay positive don't let yourself drown in negativity again like you did in the past don't let yourself go back to those dark days

It's been three weeks and still nothing about this makes any sense at all.

 days like these when you feel unsettled but you don't know why

I haven't felt this devastated in a very long time and tears are still welling up as I'm typing this. It's gonna be a long Gfriend-related post so people who are not interested can just leave. I really need to type this because there's no other avenue for me to release all these emotions trapped within me now.

I don't even know how to start writing this post because everything just happened so suddenly, without any warning at all. The last thing I expected to wake up to yesterday on an off day was an announcement that all members of Gfriend would be leaving their company after their contracts end on 22 May. My entire Twitter timeline was spammed with fanpage posts of their shock, anger, devastation and disbelief. Just the night before we were tuning in to Yewon's 2h long vlive session, the day before the official channel posted a video clip of a past photoshoot, and everything just seemed so normal. There were no signs of this sudden news coming at us. At all. 

I spent my entire off day yesterday looking at related tweets, videos and articles. I looked through all their posts in the past month, looking for possible signs that might have hinted at this seemingly sudden farewell. As I scrolled through and read through the content one by one, there were a few which might have hinted at what was to come, but we would never have realized because they weren't completely out of the norm - they only made sense differently when set against this new backdrop. My heart sank and part of me knew that things would never be the same. But I was still hopeful - all six of them left together, so there were still possibilities that they were going to sign on at a new company all together, or even set up their own company. Other groups have done so before, so it was not entirely impossible. Like many others in the fandom, I told myself to stay calm, trust the members, and wait for them to speak up.

Today I was working from home for a few hours, but as and when I had pockets of time I would scroll through the feed just to check for updates. No updates from the company or members, just a few speculations about the company being in financial debt, and lots of rants at the company for their mismanagement in this issue. One post in the afternoon about how the members were in the midst of preparing to announce their position following the end of their contract. Two different external variety shows featuring two of the members were also published today, and I watched the episodes with mixed feelings - happiness at seeing them, sadness and fear at the realization that these could be two of the last few variety show episodes of the members as part of Gfriend. I had dinner with my family as usual, and scrolled the feed one final time before I was preparing to go and shower.

The first thing I saw was a screenshot of Weverse notifications, displaying six new notifications of the members posting individual handwritten letters. I did a quick superficial scan of the letters to get a gauge of the feel because I am not proficient in Korean - no smiley faces, emojis or exclamation marks. The letters started off with them introducing themselves formally (this I could understand), which was queer as they usually did not do so for letters written to fans. My heart dropped because this definitely did not bode well. After a minute or two of frenzy refreshing of the page for updates, one of the fanpages tweeted "Thank you for your hard work for the past 7 years Gfriend". And that's when my heart completely sank, and I knew that it was really the end. Over the next few minutes, translations of the letters came in one at a time, and I just sat in the toilet tearing uncontrollably as I read the words written by them.

To be honest, part of me is still in disbelief even after reading the translation of their letters. Sojung ended off her letter by saying "Officially, Gfriend has ended, but that is not the end of us". Upon reading those words, I am still hoping for a miracle whereby she is implying that while they may not be able to continue with the name Gfriend due to the company's possession of the trademark, they may be continuing as a group under another name. But the letters posted by the other members, and the posts from their staff members and family members all seem to indicate otherwise - that Gfriend members are really going their separate ways. As an OT6 fan, I will continue to support them in their individual endeavours because I love all six members, but it still pains me to know that there will not be Gfriend as a group again. No more songs, no more albums, no more radio show appearances, no more variety show appearances, no more group videos, no more vlives. 

Some people may be quite puzzled at how that would affect anyone. I didn't think I would be this affected too, probably because I never thought the end would come so quickly and out of the blue. I was rational in knowing that all Kpop groups come to an end eventually, but I really thought we still had a few more years with them. They have always been talking about their goal to become a longlasting group instead of a popular group, and how they would be together for as long as they could, and I still believe that they really wanted to do so. They are so talented, so passionate about their work, and most importantly, they work so well as a group and are genuinely close friends. It just doesn't make sense for a group like theirs to disband suddenly. Groups usually disband when their album sales start going down, when companies don't promote them, when scandals damage the group's reputation, when members get older and get married, when members move on to try acting or hosting etc. None of these apply to Gfriend, so there must be some reason for this, which I am sure we will come to know about in time.

But right now, I am just so devastated. I cannot think of other words to describe how I am feeling. I sometimes share about Gfriend-related stuff with my friends but don't think people know enough how much of a difference Gfriend has made in my life. In 2017, I started off just curiously searching for their Me Gustas Tu music show performance on Youtube after being impressed by their choreography which one of my ballet friends was randomly practising in the studio, and within a few days I got hooked. I was never into Kpop prior to that, and I even used to tease some of my friends for liking a genre they cannot even comprehend. But my entire perspective changed after knowing Gfriend. Their intense dance choreographies was what caught my eye at first, their amazing song discography got me interested to learn more about them, but it was really watching them on variety shows and radio shows that made me a fan - I could not get enough of their fun personalities, genuinely kind nature, and undeniably strong friendship. I have come across so many Kpop groups over the past three years but till this day, Gfriend remains as the only group I stan. These six young girls came from a small unknown company but with sheer talent and hard work, managed to make a mark in the Kpop industry. If that isn't inspiring and telling enough of how dreams can come true, I don't know what is. Friends who know me would know that I usually get sick of things and people very easily, but it's been more than three years since I stumbled across Gfriend and fell into their fandom, and I can confidently say that my love and admiration for this group has only been growing stronger ever since the first day, which says a lot about what an amazing group they are. 

So many memories are coming to mind as I look back on my journey of becoming a fan. I remember starting to purchase and collect all their albums and merchandise one by one, and even signing up for their membership. I remember the anticipation I felt counting down to my first comeback with them as an official fan, how I felt so overwhelmed listening to Time for the Moon Night for the very first time while I was in New Zealand walking back to my accommodation in the evening, and how the songs in that album made me feel less lonely during that very solo trip. Till this very day, the song has a very special place in my heart, and listening to it transports me back to New Zealand instantaneously. I remember how the dropping of teasers and comeback photos were the most exciting periods during mundane months where life felt stagnant. I remember how I used to listen to Falling Asleep Again every single night for a few consecutive months when I constantly felt anxious, just so that I could feel calm and comforted enough to fall asleep. I remember attending my first Gfriend concert Go Go Gfriend! alone in 2019, shouting my lungs out together with fellow buddies for the fanchants, and being so incredibly lucky to win a chance at the Hi-Touch event to see each member face-to-face up close. I remember excitedly jamming to Gfriend music during solo drives. I remember having Memoria episodes released every Friday as my only motivation to get through each awful week at my previous job placement. I remember watching Gfriend-related videos as being the only effective way in distracting myself from all the negativity, hopelessness and dread I was experiencing those six arduously painful months, when each day was a torture to live.

There are so many more memories that will probably strike me over the next few weeks as I come to terms with the news, but I think the essence is that I would probably have never survived some of the toughest periods in the past few years without Gfriend. Gfriend has unknowingly permeated my life, and I don't think I have ever gone through a day in the past three years without doing something Gfriend-related, be it listening to one of their songs, watching one of their shows, or playing their rhythm game. It gave me much needed purpose and motivation in life, at such a timely moment when life was tough to bear. And it breaks my heart to know that things will never be the same again. I know that as with all other heartbreaks (I don't know what else to call this), this will heal in time, but I hope I will never forget this short but memorable journey I had as their fan, and all the wonderful emotions which came along with it. While I would never have imagined myself becoming so utterly dependent on a Kpop group, and while I am so utterly crushed now at their disbandment, I am even more so incredibly grateful that fate brought Gfriend into my life. The members would never know how much of an impact they have created, but I just felt like it wouldn't do them justice to end their current journey without dedicating a post to them about how much they mean to me, and how much joy and comfort they have brought to my life. So, thank you so much and I really love you Gfriend <3 Please stay happy and healthy always.

김소정! 정예린! 정은비! 최유나! 황은비! 김예원! 여자친구!